So all of a sudden it’s four a.m. and you’re alone and missing the ones you love and loving the ones you’ve missed. You see what you’re supposed to do but you feel so lost and lonely that there is nowhere you want to go except to where you’re supposed to be, whether that is lying in bed or halfway around the world. Sometimes you think it would be better if you could just get away. Even just for a weekend, a month, a year, ten years, your whole life spent away. Nowhere in particular, just away. You can carry your friends with you, to share experiences with you but also you can put them away or leave them behind while you explore everything for yourself. But this can’t happen. It’s not how life works.
All of a sudden it’s five a.m….
So I have a car that only plays CDs, and I have lost my ipod. So I listen to the radio a lot. I have really conflicting views about it though. It’s like, most of the music is at least catch if not downright good. But even the downright good stuff, I hear ALL THE TIME! Like I get that it’s nice to eventually learn the words to every popular song of the time, but sometimes, I want more. There’s always that awkward period where there is the same four songs playing on all three radio stations I like to listen to, just in a different order. Radio’s awesome because it’s free and keeps me updated with popular music, but it sucks because all I hear is Pitbull’s deep, scratchy voice and Adele’s slightly higher, scratchy voice. I mean, I guess I should just move to a different type of media or keep making CDs, but it’s like infomercials, it’s repetitive, boring, and you know every word, but you still have to listen.
Reblog if you want (1) honest opinion about you.via lily--belle
Feeling very mixed emotions
So I hate it when things you want to avoid talking about come up. It’s like, everyone knew it was there, but now it’s out in the open.
I love it when you are going to bed hearing the birds chirp and your pissed but then you see the sunrise and it’s gorgeous.
I hate it when people don’t believe in themselves or anyone else.
I love it when I’m playing first person shooters just a little buzzed. I do so much better.
I hate it when you are finally able to upgrade your phone and the website is down.
I love it when you can text someone and be sure that your conversation is not going to suck because you are so compatible with that person.
I hate it when you think you can fix someone but you aren’t given the chance.
I love it when I reconnect with old friends.
I hate it when I feel needy.
I love it when problems disappear because I finally realize how trivial they are.
I hate showing my cards, but not being able to see yours.
I love the thrill of the fall.
I hate the landing.
Wow. So this is what it feels like to no longer be a teenager. Honestly, not that different. The biggest thing for me is the realization. There’s no going back from here. It’s scary and exciting all at the same time. I want to run back to sixteen, but I can’t wait to get to 21. I guess it’s all perception. Instead of looking at those past years as lost, I can look at them as spent. Spent damn well, mind you. So this is it, the cusp of adulthood.
My birthday was also freaking sweet. Partied from midnight until four a.m. after an awesome concert, then saw Kung Fu Panda 2 (really awesome movie), and then my mom made fajitas and my friends came over and we chowed down. After, I went to a friends and we watched movies until like 1 in the morning. It was fun. I enjoyed it, so thanks to all of you who were a part of that.
I think my favorite part of this birthday was that it wasn’t about the presents. Honestly, I couldn’t care less if I get anything else than what I already got (fifty dollars from my grandma). It really shows how I’ve grown up. I like it.
Well that’s all folks. Thanks for the birthday wishes if you gave them!
Oh…yeah…no…that’s cool…you can replace me…I don’t mind….via lily--belle
So it’s been awhile. I am so glad to be home finally. Like, I love college and all, but I was just getting super stressed at the end. I made it through with my gpa at 3.036. Needed a 3.0 to keep my monies so I’m super happy. But also realize that I made it by the skin of my teeth. Gotta buckle down next year.
Socially, I love life. My friends here are a little different, some more than others, but are still very good friends to me. I am a little troubled about how a lot of bad things have happened among my high school friends since I left. People have developed egos and grudges that should not exist. I remember when our theater/choir group of friends was all about acceptance, even if someone was terrible or a little pissy sometimes, we would accept them and try and cheer them up. Now, we weren’t perfect. And maybe it’s because I am now on the outside looking in, but the group now is so dysfunctional. People are all about themselves and it’s a little scary. Oh well, hopefully I can help change that this summer.
Also, I love when you think you want something, and a series of events turn your situation into something else, and you find that it is better this way. You find that even though you went through stupid amounts of worrying and time trying to get what you wanted, that you didn’t really want it that bad in the first place. By just sitting by and letting stuff play out, you got something better. Friends are awesome.
I’ve been working out every day for the past two weeks so I’ve started to complete that goal. I seem slimmer to myself, I just have to work on my eating habits.
All in all, summer is starting out amazing. So thanks to all of you who are a part of that. Hope it stays this way.
Finals and stuff are stressing me out. I can’t focus at all. Like, there is a study guide in front of me telling me everything I will need to know and where to find it and I haven’t even started. I have absolutely no motivation and my mood is not helping me. I’m feeling sad for stupid reasons. And it’s affecting me workload. I think I really really need to go home. I really want to see all of my friends from home and my family and relax. I just want to forget about this difficult year, both emotionally and academically. I had good times too, but the whole year just seemed to have a weird foggy haze of sadness around it. I was dealing with bad things in my love life, such as never being able to find someone to return my feelings for them. In my social life, I was meeting a lot of awesome people, but it was just difficult for me because a lot of my best friends weren’t here. I just really need home. I just need that comfort zone back with the work that I understand. I also need to work on myself, because obviously I am not finding a girl to return my feelings because I am too busy looking for them instead of looking at myself and what I can do with my life and how I can improve myself. I need to focus on me. I want to get out to the gym more and lose all this weight. I think having that self confidence of being in shape again will help me a lot. So at least I have a goal. Let’s see what I can do. Goodbye Bloomington and all of my friends that will not be going home with me. I can’t wait to see you next year, I just need a break.
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